It's been such a long time since I bared my heart here. Cracked it wide open and let all the icky spill out and onto this space. It was a difficult time for me. If I'm honest, it still can be. Oh, the medication has been a life saver and I don't still feel those same raw edges that cut me every time I moved. But I know how close I was to losing it. And though I know it isn't the right thing to say, that still haunts me. The loss of those months haunts me.
Scarier still is that I know how close I could be today and in this very moment to losing it. It's there. Under the surface pushing for a chance to release and God and these pills choke it out day after day after day. Sometimes hour after hour.
Who am I now? Now that I've been that far gone? Who is this person re-emerging? Some days I feel as though I'm finally pushing that last bit of dirt off of myself and seeing the bright, too bright, light of the real world again. I lived in gray for so long that the sunshine burns. And I shield myself from the light and in doing so push friends away, push things away, push everything away. I can only handle one intense thing at a time and the sun is it right now.
But God is merciful and he is unchanging and he is not surprised by how long this mending is taking. So, I take it day by day and he gives me enough grace to make it to the next.
Healing? Yes. Healed? Closer than yesterday.
"I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me." Proverbs 8:17