Clothing Trauma

Oh my goodness.

Let's just say that in the past few weeks/months mothering my daughter has gotten exceedingly more difficult than usual. I don't know when my almost five year old turned into a pre teen, but I'd like to go back to that exact moment and nip it in the bud.

Every day is a fight about what she wears and how her hair is fixed and all I want to do is make sure she looks like a pretty little lady, not a wandering gypsy. If it were up to her she would wear pajamas every single day. Or comfy pants that are two inches too short with baggy tee shirts and dress sandals. Oh and let's not forget the big rats nest in her hair! She doesn't like bows or braids or piggy tails or pony tails or any of the just darling-ness out there for little girls' hair.

I know my mama will say this is just payback for when I was Lauren's age. And in her defense I do remember freaking out about the way jeans and corduroy felt against my skin. I am also pretty sure I would only wear dresses for approximately five years of my early childhood. But, I mean come on....corduroy is a much bigger offense than a cute and comfortable matching outfit, right?

I don't know what to do. I mean at some point she is going to have to go to school and I am going to have to make sure she doesn't look like her mama don't bathe her. But, right now? In this moment? When honestly all I want to wear are my favorite yoga pants and a baggy tee shirt and how can I expect her to want to get ready if I don't?

I think it is time to start laying down some laws about dressing around here. That includes for my own self. Thankfully summer might make it easier since I can just make sure she puts on a dress. But then I'll have to deal with the changing of the dress into 325 other dresses for the day....

Oh motherhood. You exhaust me.

But, Lauren, I love you. And we will figure this out.

The Last Few Days

Oh my goodness...it's been a bit hectic around here this week. Both the kids and I have been sick. YUCK! I felt fine Sunday and then right before bed I just had this awful feeling I was about to get a cold and lo and behold about three hours later I woke up more stuffy and congested than I have in a looooooong time. It was absolutely awful. My head felt about three hundred pounds heavier than normal and I couldn't breathe out of my nose.

Thankfully, Shawn's parents were here Monday afternoon so I was able to get some rest while they watched the kids for a bit.

Lauren was also coming down with it on Monday but her worst day was Tuesday morning when she woke up early in the morning in a coughing fit that would not stop. I felt so bad for her because she was crying that she didn't like being sick and I totally felt like crying right alongside her.

Easton decided to join the fun on Tuesday as well and although it hasn't slowed him down too much, it's been a chore to keep his nose clean. Gross!

I was supposed to take dinner to a couple in our Sunday school class that just had a baby, but I just called them in a pizza instead. I figured they wouldn't want our sickly germs on their food. I know I wouldn't!

Oh and I missed our last Bunko meeting last night. :( I was so disappointed.

So basically we've just been trying to survive around here. And now I have a house to deep clean before the germs grab ahold of my handsome hubby!

Just Write

I haven't blogged in almost a month. How does that happen? Why does that happen?

I spent some time talking with my sweet friend, Kelly, yesterday about this whole blogging gig. It is way different than it was 5 years ago (gasp) when I started this journey. Back then I didn't feel the pressure or the stress to put something out there that was worthwhile. I just wrote. About my life, my fears, my family, and learning to handle the new stay at home mom life I'd found myself in.

Things have changed in the past years and I haven't loved this place as much. Its due to my own issues for sure, but I wish I could find a way back to just writing and not being afraid. I need to stop worrying about what people who read it think. I need to just write. Easier said than done.

Wanna know something? I don't believe in myself too much. I mean that deep down I don't really believe that this place could be anything...that God would use me and my humble attempt at writing or this place. Deep down I struggle with blogging because I don't want people to think I am boasting about myself or that I think I am amazing. I'm pretty much a big pile of nothingness with nothing to offer, but God. How do I blog about my life without people inwardly rolling their eyes? How do I put myself out there and try to grow an audience without appearing like I'm only seeking after man's approval? And to add to that, how do I fight the need for an audience, approval, and acknowledgement?

And also, she gets me. Perfectionism paralyzes my writing.

Any ideas fellow friends and bloggers? Or am I the only one who deals with these thoughts?

And also...I'm turning 30 in less than two weeks. That might or might not have to do with these inner fears and such bubbling forth for all the world (or at least you Papa) to read.

For those of you who read this little place, I love you. Truly - thanks for sticking with me even when I'm a no show. XOXO

H54F

Yeah baby! It's Friday! It's been a busy week but a good one!

1. My baby boy turned TWO years old this week! What?!?! And isn't he the cutest thing you have EVER seen? We had the most fun celebrating him all day long Thursday. (I have a whole post coming on that one!)

2. I got to celebrate Easter with these crazy peeps:

3. Lauren had her first soccer practice Monday night! It was freezing but it sure was a big moment for this little family! Our first sporting event!!!! She is playing soccer with our church's program. Her coach is a family friend (and Shawn is going to help when needed) and she's got two of her best friends on her team, Morgan and Preston! It should be a fun "season."

4. I read this book this week:

Amazing, encouraging, convicting, short, perfect. If you are a mama, I highly recommend it!

5. I have a dentist appointment today. I. Love. My. Dentist's. Office. Is that weird? I think I love going even more now that I have kids. Its like a spa day. I put my headphones in, close my eyes, let the chair tilt back and just rest. Plus, they get my teeth so sparkly clean....its a win win! If you are in my area and are looking for an amazing dental experience I got the hook up. Plus they are awesome with kids too....Lauren got her teeth "sparkled" a while back and she asks me almost weekly if they are still sparkled and when we are going back. Well, sister, today is mama's day....you'll have yours soon enough!

Linking up with H54F over here. 

Dear Easton

Hey handsome boy,

Two years ago today you changed our lives in the best possible way. How could we have known before your arrival that we were missing anything? And yet, as soon as you came, we were more complete than we had ever been. One look at your beautiful blue eyes and big 'ole honkin' feet and we were smitten. Somehow, in His perfect way, God had created you for our family and us for your parents long before the beginning of time and in those seconds after you were born every single thing clicked.

April 4th will never again be just another date on the calendar. It belongs to you and to us as we celebrate you. I will always stop and remember the pain and the pushes and the tears. I will always look at the clock and know that at 1:10 pm you came into this world. I will always cherish your first cries and how I held you so tightly and kissed your precious cheeks. I'll remember how we laughed when we heard that you were an 8lb 10 oz bundle of all boyness. I'll remember the first special moments we had as a family of four. I will remember it always.

The past two years have been harder and yet better than we could have ever imagined. We have a great responsibility as your parents to teach you and train you and love you and show you God's love and some days it feels absolutely impossible to be everything you need. But, we have given you to God and we pray daily that no matter how many things we get wrong as parents, He will use us and it all for His glory.

I pray Micah 6:8 over you, "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." We pray with urgent hearts for you to love the Lord, Easton. We pray that you will know His great redemption and grace and love. And we pray that you will walk humbly with him all the days of your life.

You are the sweetest little boy I have ever known. I won't lie, I was totally nervous to be a boy mom. I had no idea what it would be like to have a little man-child running around. I knew princesses and tea parties not tractors and trucks...but, you brought so much more than a little extra testosterone to my life, you brought one of the greatest connections I've ever had. When people say there is something special about the love between a boy and his mama, it's true. It's not better or worse than a mama daughter relationship (cause you know I love that one too), but I sure wouldn't trade having ours for the world.

I absolutely cherish the fact that you are still a little cuddle bug. When you wake in the morning and after naps you still need mama to hold you or, "keee me" (carry me). You get worried when others are sad or crying and want to know what is wrong. I hope that means you will grow into a great protector of the weak and innocent.

You love your big sissy so much. Lately, you've started copying everything she does and says. I love watching the two of you pray together. She prays and with my eyes squinted I watch you bow your head and clasp your hands and repeat words from her prayer quietly. It melts my heart and I can only imagine the huge smile it puts on God's face.

I love watching the two of you play nicely together....for the most part you have this down, although some days are better than others! One of your new favorite words is "mine!" so you can imagine how well that goes over with sister. You are both at an age where you can get lost in your own little imaginary world together and I feel like I have the best seat in the world.

I know you know that she loves you. But, do you know that she will be your biggest fan? Maybe you don't yet, but I know what its like to have siblings. You guys will irritate each other and bother each other and yet you will always have each other's back. She will be someone you can always count on. You have a special life-long best friend in her Easton. You are so blessed to have each other. I pray for your sweet friendship and relationship always.

You are such a huge part of our family, little man. We love you more than we ever knew possible. We are thankful for the life and energy and fun you bring to our home! We've laughed more (and had more sleepless nights) than ever since you came around. You are the absolute perfect addition to our family.

Today, I look back with some tears. I wonder how two years has passed. I wonder where my baby went. He's been replaced by a very talkative and increasingly independent little boy. I remember late night feedings and learning to crawl and firsts of every kind and the back of my throat tightens and my eyes burn for the days that are behind us. But, then I think about the days (Lord willing the many, many, many days) we have ahead of us and I can't help but smile. I'm so glad that God made me your mama, Easton. I look forward to the days ahead with you and your sister. Let's make them count!

I love you to the moon and back fourteen million times.

Mama

Pray

"I am praying for you"

I say those words and I mean them. More than I have in all my 29 years of life I feel like I just might finally get what it means to say I am praying for someone and to actually do it. Not a fleeting thought or a quick, "God be with them" but an all out fervent, feverish prayer to the God who hears me.

I've got friends this week who are hurting. A little one born less than a week ago undergoes open heart surgery this very morning and the tears stream down my face as I pray to God for the doctors who balance powerful tools over his delicate heart. I pray for his mama, a dear friend of mine, and my heart breaks because I can't imagine how her heart is holding up. She is a beacon shining God's light to anyone who watches her go through this trial, but I know she is hurting too and I pray God's specific peace and love over her oversized and oh so tender mama heart.

I have friends with sick kids, and friends who are hurting, and a husband who is carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders at his job, and my own mama who has surgery scheduled for April and there is nothing I can do for any of them really but to pray.

I lay awake in bed last night, heart heavy with these prayers and so many more running through my mind. As I poured them out to God I felt overwhelmed at the great need out there for Him to intervene and protect and sustain and give health and strength and it was almost too much. But I read somewhere that I am to pray hardest when it is hardest to pray and so that is what I did and will continue to do. I'll rest in knowing He hears.

Hello Monday

You blew in with a gray sky and I felt the cold toward you instantly. How could you? Just two days ago we were playing in the spring scented wind and here you came pushing winter once more.

Thankfully, my in-laws were here and so I stayed huddled beneath my warm covers and my mother and father in-law cuddled my little girl in the wee hours of morning. E and I stayed smart and cozy in our respective beds like sane people do.

Your sky is just now opening again to the sun that I know is always there and though the temperature is still low and my toes are still cold, I'm warming to you.

Later my little girl and I will go to a real life tea party to celebrate a sweet friend turning five. It's an honor and it makes my throat hurt because in just 5 short months, my firstborn will claim that same title.  And that is simply just not possible because I only just held her for the first time yesterday.

So, hello Monday with all your complexities and changes and beauty. I am thankful for you.