I've debated back and forth and back and forth about sharing this part of my story....but in an effort to keep it real here, I am going to go ahead and share it. Can I just start by saying that I know opinions vary wildly on this subject, but I am going to ask that whether you agree with me or not that you will be respectful of my decision.
Almost two weeks ago I was at my lowest point. My days were spent crying or on the verge of tears and the stress of my situation was taking a terrible toll on my family. I had been fighting on and off (it has been a very roller-coaster-ish ride for me) for the past 9 months with severe depression and it had gotten to the point where I was no longer experiencing any high points....only low. I had finally opened up everything to my husband and told him all the ugly that was inside of me....which was freeing in some aspects for me, yet absolutely terrifying for him. My mom wouldn't stop (thank you, mom) calling me and checking in and begging me to see my doctor. I refused. I was stubborn and prideful. The perfection that lives inside me (and all too often takes over my life) kept telling me that doctors and pills were FAILURE. That I should be able to pick myself up from the darkness I was living in and just be okay already. What was wrong with me?!?! What was wrong with me?!?! What. Was. Wrong. With. Me?!?!?!
I wish that I could say calling my doctor and getting a prescription for anti-depressants was a prayerfully made decision. It wasn't. At least not for me. I am sure that my mom and husband had been praying for a long time for me and about the possibility of seeking medical help. I, however, was totally and 100% against it. I was mad at myself and hated the person I was looking at in the mirror. I hated myself for not being able to fix it. I had prayed. I had begged. I had tried. I had memorized scripture. I had done everything I could think of short of medical help and I was not better. I was worse. So, in the midst of a total meltdown I called my doctor. I did it because I was tired of hearing my mom tell me to. I did it because deep down I knew that I needed to.
I love my doctor. He is a Christian man I know that he would not have prescribed me medication if he didn't think I needed it. It was bittersweet to hear the nurse say she would call the medicine in for me. It tasted like failure. I hung up the phone and burst into tears. Failure. Failure. Failure. It's all I heard.
My parents came to town and drove to my house. They watched the kids so that Shawn could drive me to pick it up. We talked a little bit about it on the way there, but I really wasn't in the mood for conversation. 20 minutes later I had a prescription in my hands.
We sat in the car and Shawn took my hands and he prayed for me. He prayed that God would be used through the medication. He prayed that God would deliver me from the darkness. He prayed for my strength. It meant everything to me. And then I took the first pill.
Each day since that first has gotten better. I am still not okay and I know that pills don't fix the root of depression....something God and I are working through right now. But, they have taken the dark cloud off of me, they have rounded out my sharp edges, and taken the tingling skin away. I am thankful for that. A dear friend of mine reminded me that God does work through modern medicine. Words I desperately needed to hear. Words I remind myself every single day when the enemy shouts "Failure" to me.
This is a process, this is MY process. My journey. Definitely one I would not have chosen to take on, but one I am trying very hard to see God through. I know he will see me through it.