Mud and Mire

It's been a wild ride and I sit here 9 months in and no closer to the mom I want to be. Tension mounts and trash cans overflow and I sleep walk through days and paste the smile to my face.

And truth hurts and I look it in the mirror every night. I face the fears and realizations that I am not okay. And friends and family ache for me and my husband holds me and begs me to be me again. And I try. And try. And try.

And I don't know why I am fighting. Why this darkness when my world is so bright? Why this suffocation when I know my blessings? I ask God to remove the haze, to open my eyes, to take away the tingling skin and sharp words. And he answers. In ways I can't explain and don't expect.

I long to be me again. To find the joy that used to be my claim. To face the days with unforced excitement. To live in each moment and dance again.

And my new song is Psalm 40:2 because God can and I can't. I am muddy and exhausted and standing knee deep in the mire. And like quicksand I am forever stuck. Each day the same. But God can and I can't. Yes this I know from the valleys and mountains we've been through before....God can and I can't.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. Psalm 40:2