It was early. Much too early to already be at my limit. Too early to get frustrated at that one hundred and fiftieth, "Moooooooooooom." We had a play date to get to. I was trying to get myself ready and I'd just finished putting the cutest little braid in Lauren's hair. I had no idea she would hate it so much. I had no idea that that one braid would send me shooting off of the cliff right into the crashing waters below.
She started to whine. She started to cry. The braid, she hated it. She wanted it out of her hair. How would her headband fit, she cried?
And, me? Well, I lost it.
I yelled. Loud and full of a million other hurts that have been on my mind, I let her have it. I knew in that moment of the yelling that I was wrong. I knew that I was sinning. But, I couldn't get over myself and my frustrations long enough to stop.
It was absolutely the worst.
As she sat there in the bathroom with tears rolling down her face and I turned back to my makeup and routine, I realized with a piercing quickness that I had to fix this damage I had just done.
I turned around and got down on my knees right before her tiny little face. I looked at her, full of hurt and questions, and I said the only thing that mattered....I said, "I'm so sorry." She leapt, I mean literally catapulted herself, into my arms and I knew in that moment she forgave me. Simple as that.
I told her that I was wrong. I told her I shouldn't have yelled, even if I was frustrated. I asked her if she forgave me and she nodded her head vigorously and then hugged me again.
She moved on, but the sinful nature of the way I reacted followed me, haunted me, throughout the day. Of course, I confessed my sin to God. I asked his forgiveness and I know that just as quickly as my precious daughter forgave me, so did he. But, the memories of my actions....those stayed with me.
Lauren? She let it go completely. As I tucked her in to bed last night and we shared our, "happy days & sad days" I told her my sad day was yelling at her. I asked her again if she forgave me. She looked at me with a puzzled expression as she tried to remember this infraction against her. Meanwhile, the memory was burned into my brain. I'll never forget what she said to me. She said, "but mama you already told me if I forgive you," translation - mama, we've been over this....you are forgiven. I smiled at her and thanked her for being so kind to me and then I tucked her tight into bed surrounded by bedtime prayers of sweet dreams and protection.
Being a mama is hard. There are days that are brighter than the sun and there are days that are downright ugly.
I'd say that yesterday was a mixture of both for me. How thankful I am for the forgiveness of my Heavenly Father and the daughter I love more than I could have ever imagined.