reflections

You know, I was thinking just the other day that it has been a little over a year since I walked into my Principal's office and handed her my well thought out resignation letter. I had no idea how my life would change. I also had no idea just how fast time would fly.

I never thought I would be a stay at home mom when I was younger. I didn't play with baby dolls and I didn't particularly like to nurture my two younger brothers. For as far back as I can remember I wanted to be a teacher. When I graduated high school I set out with a passion to do just that. I planned my college course so that I could be out in exactly four years. I worked hard and got good grades. I studied the art of teaching from an amazing teacher and mentor and landed my first job under her tutelage. In the spring of 2005, I was placed for the upcoming school year with a team of wonderful teachers who are to this day some of my very dearest friends. I had what I had always dreamed of. My one goal had been reached. I spent the next three years learning, teaching, and growing....emphasis on growing. I have no doubt in my mind that I was exactly where I should have been in that season of my life. There were times I wished I could have been anywhere else and there were times you couldn't have moved me from that place with a forklift.

The summer before my third year as a teacher I began to feel that maybe, just maybe, teaching wasn't the only thing I wanted my life to be about. Maybe I didn't want that to define me so much. Shawn and I decided that we'd like to have children sooner than later. Once we made that decision, I started feeling God putting something on my heart. Suddenly, I started thinking about staying home with my baby. We weren't pregnant yet and I already knew that God was calling me to stay home. I just wasn't ready to commit yet. Shawn and I talked at length about this and he was just so great. He knew that God was quietly telling me something and he was feeling that God was telling him the same thing. He supported my decision but later told me that he could never picture me not staying home with our little one. Anyway, we got pregnant that fall and I kept wrestling. I knew...I KNEW what I was supposed to do but I was afraid to tell people. How is that for honest? I am a people pleaser by nature.

I told my ladies at school and they were just so supportive and loving. That was hard to do. I knew I was making the right choice. I just wished that it didn't involve the pain of leaving them, ya know? I cried many times to my family about how hard it seemed at the time to walk away from my career - what I had worked so hard for so long for. I talked the ears off of some very dear people, including my mentor teacher and her ornery but lovely husband. I talked to other moms who had done what I was attempting to do. And, I prayed. I got real still. I listened for that quiet voice that urged me on. I basked in the peace that God gave me everytime I thought about staying home. I prayed for his wisdom when things were crazy at school and I didn't know how I could pack up my room and "give-up".

I remember that last day of school so clearly. I was tired from being so huge. My room was filled with boxes of books, post-its, paper clips, binders, and all other things teaching. I didn't know how I would do it. How in the world was I going to walk out of those doors and walk away from what had defined me? I remember sitting at my desk and just looking around my room. Just the shell of what it had been. I had worked so hard to make it the kind of place a kid would want to be. Now it was bare white walls and dirty desks. Sitting at my desk I knew I was at a crossroad. A huge, life-changing, never look back kind of crossroad. I couldn't stay. I didn't know what the future held. A moment of panic hit me and then peace. God washed over me that day. I walked out of that room fresh with hugs from my girls and never looked back.

I am so thankful for that period of teaching. I met the coolest kids. I learned life lessons that shaped and molded the person I am today. And yes, my journey is way different than my 12 year old self would have ever imagined, but I am forever grateful that I listened to that still and quiet voice that only asked for me to trust him.