Sunday, January 24, 2010

thoughts in my head

Lauren is sick. She seems to be a little better today, but still cranky. I don't want to get sick. I've received every kiss and snotty nose wipe with love and quickly washed my hands and/or face. We stopped giving her her urinary reflux medicine to see if she has outgrown the issue. I hope she has. I hope that isn't why she is sick. It isn't. Urinary infections don't usually include a snotty nose, inability to breathe, and a cough. Just a wayward worry that crossed my mind.

Shawn is cleaning out the chimney. I'm not. I'm sitting on the couch blogging. I should be folding laundry. I will. Later. It's a dreary day and I wish we could have gone to church this morning. I have a ton of my bible study to finish before tomorrow night. I haven't been very diligent or motivated on it this week. I should have been. It seems when I am stressed about something or worried I run away from quiet time with God instead of to it. Something I am working on. I have no strength on my own. Sometimes I think I do. That is what gets me in trouble.

I have to make a trip to Walmart later. Ick and eww. I really hate that place. We don't have much left in our budget for groceries or house items this month so we are trying to use what we have in our pantry and get by with just buying a few things. Staying in budget is a big thing for us this year. I know what will happen if we don't stick to it now. I will get discouraged. Shawn will get frustrated. We might argue. I'd rather just try and not give up. I have this thing about giving up if I think I might fail. Shame on me. I'm working on that.

Lauren is 18 months old. Not possible. She is delightful and challenging. Parenting is harder than I ever thought it would be. It also hurts. My love for her literally makes my chest ache. Normal? I've been reading this book again. In fact, so has Shawn. Now just to apply it.

I am going to download some podcasts from Focus on the Family today. Lauren and I have had the TV on way too much the last couple of weeks. Totally not like me. I am changing things up this week. I really want to start tot school with Lauren but I just haven't been organized enough to begin. I also think my battle with perfectionism may be rearing its ugly head and stopping me from moving forward. Could be. Who knows. Except it probably is.

We almost bought a potty chair for Lauren yesterday. I think she might be ready some days and then other days I think she isn't. I've pretty much decided we'll wait for May to start. I won't be teaching then and it will be more consistent for her. I'm totally freaked out about potty training. I bet my friend, Megan, will get some phone calls for that one.

I have total mixed feelings about my job. On one hand, I totally love working with the students. On the other I am away from Lauren. That is hard. We are usually always together. Two peas in a pod. Best buds. Bert and Ernie. Or whatever. Thankful beyond words for my friend Kelly who watches her when I am gone for a few hours on Tuesdays. I know Lauren is loved. I know she is delighted in. I know she is safe. The best feeling. I haven't been in the schools to observe yet. I wonder if that will be weird. I like my little class. They are eager to learn how to be good teachers. I hope I am leading them the right way. Praying and taking it day by day.

Some people have asked when Shawn and I are having another baby. Who knows. I mean, seriously who knows? I sure don't. Could I be ready? Yeah, if I had to. If I think too much about it I want to chicken out. Newborns are hard. I can't imagine a newborn and a toddler. We are great right now. I love our little family. I'm soaking up sleeping on my tummy and drinking caffeine while I can. Maybe someday soon. Maybe someday later.

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