I'm not sure if it is the pregnancy hormones racing through my body or the closeness of Easton's arrival or the weather in China, but I have been feeling so very tender the last few weeks.
I feel as though I might break at any moment. Crack.right.in.two. All that would come pouring out of the two pieces of me would be irrational fears and a tsunami of tears. I feel the dam right behind my eyes when I take someone's words or actions too personal, when I walk past Easton's room, or when I hold my little girl and realize I can't hold her the way I once could. I feel it when I go to put on an outfit and want to scream at the maternity clothes. I don't know why I am having a hard time with all these things. But, I am.
I am tender.
I've been trying so hard to be thankful, even physically counting my ugly-beautifuls. But, the more I count thanks, the more tender I become. The more a strand of her dark curly hair will bring me to tears. The more I focus on living in the moment, the harder the moment is to actually live in. When I take the time to really appreciate each moment, the beauty of it is just too painful.
I unload dishes with my little helper right beside me and she happily puts away the forks and spoons and I try really hard to be there to not let the rush of cleaning a kitchen get in the way. As I stand there fully in the moment, I can't breathe and the tears appear. It is beautiful and it will pass and there is absolutely no way for me to hold on to it. There will be a day when I ask her to help me and she gives me attitude. There will be a day when I am not her favorite person. There will be a day when she doesn't want to "match mommy" and the very thought of that breaks me.
I am tender.
In less than nine weeks our Easton will be here. And how will we do? How will we manage with a newborn in our house and a toddler who keeps on growing up? I am afraid and I am nervous and I am excited beyond words. I keep trying to be prepared for his arrival. To anticipate the baby blues I am so scared of. I am stockpiling and planning freezer food and organizing and suffocating myself with the fears. I know what having a newborn is like this time. I will not be unprepared. But, will I kill myself and my spirit with over-preparation? How in the world will I love him as much as I love Lauren? Could it even be possible when my love for her overwhelms me to this day?
I am tender.
But, I am open to whatever God is trying to teach me. I am aware that my fears are irrational. That they keep me from enjoying the fullness of God's goodness and His grace in this season. I am trying to learn to live in the moment and soak.it.all.up without letting the weight of it, the beauty of it, crush me.
I am learning and failing and trying and learning again that trust in God eliminates the fear and keeps me grounded and fully in the moments that are my life right now. Fear makes me think I am going to miss something and trust in God helps me keep my eyes focused so that I don't.