Monday, November 09, 2009

an open letter to perfectionism

Dear Perfectionism,

You and I have been acquaintances for a long, long time. To say that we have been through a lot together would be an understatement. The truth is you've been my constant companion. The first one to cheer me on or to call me out. You've pushed me, pulled me, encouraged me and then mocked me.

Have you had fun with yourself all these years? Have you loved watching me as I tirelessly reached for you over and over again? Have you laughed to yourself as I came up short again and again and again? Have you sat mesmerized as I gave up and didn't finish project after project or commitment after commitment out of the fear of failure you instilled in me? And have you enjoyed lacing any success I have had with your bittersweet, "could have, should haves"?

Yes . . . knowing you - you have.

After all, isn't that what you do? You hide behind a nice, neat title and then wreck havoc on the lives of those you encounter. Most people don't even recognize it is you. They blame it on pressure and their own hard work ethic. All the while you get off free and clear.

Well, Perfectionism, today I have your number. I've been watching you...tracking you. I've been analyzing the areas where you have me and the wonderful and horrible things you've used to lead me to those places. Today, I am seeing things a little more clearly. I'm taking my ownership and heaping yours on you. How does it feel?

I know that I am not immune to your deceptions and as much as I wish I could be, that will not happen while I am alive on this earth. There is no pill or shot I can take that will untangle your hold from me. It is too twisted, too methodical, too consuming for human hands or mind. It is going to require God. It is going to require an overhaul of the way I think and who I listen to. It is going to require that I purposefully set you aside daily or even hourly.

I guess this means we're breaking up. It's been real. But it hasn't been fun.


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