tarry.

tarry: to linger in expectation

I've been thinking about tarrying lately.
I haven't really been able to help it. It seems like everywhere I turn it is there. In someone's words at bible study. In a Beth Moore morning show I caught this week. In a friend's writing. In my own searching heart.

I'm at that place, in a journey you know God is about to take you on, where I just cannot see ever really "getting" it. Right now, I feel so incapable of learning how to truly tarry with God. To honestly dwell in his presence. And to get something from it.

I try very hard to have a quiet time with God. Sometimes that is first thing in the morning, sometimes it is during nap time, and sometimes (sigh) it is in the run-away thoughts that happen right before I close my eyes for sleep.

But, my quiet time is surrounded by a cloud of thoughts that have no right to invade and yet I let them in anyway...

I've got to clean the kitchen. I wonder when Lauren will be up. I need to return that shirt before it is too late. Did I send that thank-you? When am I ever going to remember to vacuumI? What time do we have to be there Friday. That closet makes me feel like suffocating...I really need to clean it out. Did I just hear the laundry stop? Ooops, I forgot to call so and so back. What am I going to make for dinner. I wonder if so and so is upset with me. She seems distant. Is Lauren going to grow out of this whiny stage? I really need to work out. Blah, blah, blah...

I can't tarry. I can't dwell. I don't know how.

But, I want to

I don't know how to be silent. Stop laughing friends. ;) Every time I try, I find myself filling the silence with my own thoughts and never let God get a word in edgewise. It's a little disconcerting wondering if you ever truly hear from God because it might just be your own dumb words coming back at you because you are too much of a busy body to be still already.  

How can I expect to hear a word from God when I show up with such low expectations? Never truly believing I'll be present enough to hear. Never truly allowing myself to be present enough to hear.

In a book I've been reading called, The Well Versed Family, (go get it...it is amazing) the author discusses the importance of scripture memory for the whole family. She talks about meditating on God's word. Obviously, this is an area of awkwardness for me since I have a hard time being present with God. Anyway, she said that we ALL meditate every single day. The problem is that we meditate on mediocre things. Lesser things. We meditate on (think about often, obsess) whether or not someone likes us, if our hair looks dorky, etc.  Things of no meaning.

Interesting thoughts, I thought.

In fact, I think I'll meditate on that for a while. ;)

But, in all seriousness, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. I am honestly open for anything that would help me. I'm believing that this is a journey God wants me on. Otherwise I don't think I would have thought a single thing about changing what I've always known. I also understand that not a single one of you (as wonderful and spiritual as you may be) can do this for me. So, I ask for your thoughts/suggestions with an open heart...not expecting them to be the thing that works for me. Not expecting you to fix me.