Sunday, August 21, 2011

Life Ramblings

Life has been changing at rapid speed the past few weeks into months around here. I'm desperately trying to soak up all the moments and memories, but they are gone before I know it.

My children are growing. Too fast. It is one of the weirdest oxymorons to me that everything in me fights their growth and yet everything in me wants them to grow up healthy and happy kids. I'm scared to death of missing these days with them. Yes, I stay home and yes we are often together 24 hours a day, but I know that it is completely possible to be next to someone and to not be really there with them. I want to be present in their lives. Too often I choose cleaning over playing, worry and stress (or even embarrassingly the internet) over quality time. I'm feeling such unrest about this. 

We've begun attending a new church. Shawn and I both felt so led to do this. But there have been questions asked of us. People doubting us. That is hard. It is hard when neither one of us have the answer they are looking for. If you know me at all, you know that I do not like conflict. I do not like feeling uncomfortable. There is absolutely no way I would have chosen this path if I didn't feel God telling me to. We've attended for several weeks and while I love the service and the teaching I am getting there, I still feel alone. I feel like an outsider. How hard it is to give up comfort and security of a place you know and a place that knows you. 

I've got a big decision on my mind right now about a very special project I've been asked to be a part of and I am feeling Satan attack me from every single end. I keep hearing that I have nothing to offer. That I am too much of a mess to be able to help anyone. I hear that I am incapable. Am I? I'm so scared to make the wrong decision because one of my dearest friends is vested in it. What if I really am incapable? What if I really don't have anything to offer? What if my being a part of the project makes it less than what it could be? That it should be?

I've been a sorry excuse for a friend. I've been too busy and too wrapped up in my own struggles to take time for my friends. I feel like a liability instead of a blessing. How do I fix it? What do I say? I know that having two kids has given my friendships a hit. It is harder to get out. But, I miss our play dates. I miss our mommy talks. 

I feel as though I am doing a million things right now but not a single one right. Easton is still not sleeping through the night. Lauren has hit the terrible threes. I'm more stressed out when Shawn gets home than happy. My to do list booms ever present in my ear and there is dust all over my house.

I feel all this pressure in my chest and I've been fighting it daily but it's keeping me quiet here on the blog and it's keeping me quiet in my life. I figured if I just let it all out then maybe I could breathe regularly again.

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