Well, it is official. Lauren has been binkie-free since last Friday. That girl has been attached to her binkies since birth and even though she has only used them for naps and bedtime the past two years it was SO time to let them go. I've kind of given her some grace these past few months. With Easton coming and all the changes we've had I just never felt like I was ready to tackle it.
I don't know what got into me on Friday but I just felt like it was time. As we headed back for me to tuck her in I mentioned that her binkies had germs on them and they were icky. She immediately decided she didn't want to put them in her mouth anymore. I was cheering her on and jumping for joy inside. I just couldn't believe it was going to be this easy! If I had only known...
As I was getting ready to leave her room she started fussing. I went back in and tried to talk her down from her freak out. It seemed to work for a little bit. We prayed together that God would give her bravery. I told her how proud I was of her. And then I left her to try to sleep on her own. About five minutes later she was crying again. After a quick trip to the bathroom she was back to trying to get to sleep. (She never did this with a binkie...she always fell asleep right away.) I felt sick inside. I couldn't give in and give her binkies back to her. But, I felt like I was breaking her heart by taking them away.
My biggest fear this whole time has been that by taking them away it would mess up the sleep schedule that she's been on for so long. She has never been hard to get to go to sleep, always loved her nap time, and does really well with enough sleep. This naptime experience was already shaping up to be my worst nightmare.
She finally fell asleep and slept for twenty-five minutes before waking up screaming again. I felt myself tense up and get super frustrated with her. I went in and tried to talk her back into sleeping but she was having none of it. I felt like crying. What in the world had I done to myself? It was like taking away the binkies and her dropping her nap were going to go hand in hand. Selfishly, I was terrified that would be the case.
That evening was no better. Screaming and bawling and kicking and throwing the worst fit I have ever seen my daughter throw. All because she didn't want to go to bed. She never asked about the binkies but she refused to sleep. Shawn and I were pulling our hair out. Questioning ourselves. And I might have even cried a bit again.
Flash forward to today...it's not really any better. She is still binkie-free but bedtime has become a nightmare. I don't know where my sweet sleeper went, but taking the binkie away has unleashed some kind of monster in her. I feel like I am at my wits end as far as the sleep situation around our house. She hasn't asked about or for her binkies since last Friday, but she has not slept well since then either.
I know that it was the absolute right thing to do. I know that it was time. I just don't know how we are going to make it through the next however many days until things become normal again around here. I don't like feeling like a mean mom for letting her cry. I don't like fighting with her over it. I'm tired enough as it is. I keep praying for God to give me patience with her. For Him to give me the grace I need to give her. I just pray that we survive this little season.