Life Ramblings

Life has been changing at rapid speed the past few weeks into months around here. I'm desperately trying to soak up all the moments and memories, but they are gone before I know it.

My children are growing. Too fast. It is one of the weirdest oxymorons to me that everything in me fights their growth and yet everything in me wants them to grow up healthy and happy kids. I'm scared to death of missing these days with them. Yes, I stay home and yes we are often together 24 hours a day, but I know that it is completely possible to be next to someone and to not be really there with them. I want to be present in their lives. Too often I choose cleaning over playing, worry and stress (or even embarrassingly the internet) over quality time. I'm feeling such unrest about this. 

We've begun attending a new church. Shawn and I both felt so led to do this. But there have been questions asked of us. People doubting us. That is hard. It is hard when neither one of us have the answer they are looking for. If you know me at all, you know that I do not like conflict. I do not like feeling uncomfortable. There is absolutely no way I would have chosen this path if I didn't feel God telling me to. We've attended for several weeks and while I love the service and the teaching I am getting there, I still feel alone. I feel like an outsider. How hard it is to give up comfort and security of a place you know and a place that knows you. 

I've got a big decision on my mind right now about a very special project I've been asked to be a part of and I am feeling Satan attack me from every single end. I keep hearing that I have nothing to offer. That I am too much of a mess to be able to help anyone. I hear that I am incapable. Am I? I'm so scared to make the wrong decision because one of my dearest friends is vested in it. What if I really am incapable? What if I really don't have anything to offer? What if my being a part of the project makes it less than what it could be? That it should be?

I've been a sorry excuse for a friend. I've been too busy and too wrapped up in my own struggles to take time for my friends. I feel like a liability instead of a blessing. How do I fix it? What do I say? I know that having two kids has given my friendships a hit. It is harder to get out. But, I miss our play dates. I miss our mommy talks. 

I feel as though I am doing a million things right now but not a single one right. Easton is still not sleeping through the night. Lauren has hit the terrible threes. I'm more stressed out when Shawn gets home than happy. My to do list booms ever present in my ear and there is dust all over my house.

I feel all this pressure in my chest and I've been fighting it daily but it's keeping me quiet here on the blog and it's keeping me quiet in my life. I figured if I just let it all out then maybe I could breathe regularly again.

Hey Babies

Lauren and Easton had their well check ups last Friday and I wanted to record their stats here so that I don't forget, because let's face it...they both have sorry excuses for baby books and the best chance of them ever knowing how big they were at 3 years and at 4 months, is this blog...their only hope.

(longest run-on sentence anyone?)

Lauren at 3 years:

Weight: 31 1/2 pounds (60th percentile)

Height: 37 1/2 inches (50th percentile)

Easton at 4 months:

Weight: 16.3 pounds (70th percentile)

Height 27 inches (95th percentile!!!)

Head Size: 43 1/4 (75th percentile)

Tummy Time Love

Shawn's mom found the neatest little tummy time mat for Easton. He has never been a fan of being on his belly so we were thrilled when he really liked the mat and would stay for longer than a few seconds! The mat is so neat because you fill it with water and when they push around on it the little fish inside move all around. He absolutely loves it and it is on my new go-to list for baby gifts! I do like to keep an eye on him while he is on the mat because I don't want him to face plant into it and not be able to breathe, but he has done a great job so far!!!

The Next Great Cake Decorator

For Lauren's birthday she received a cake decorating kit from her Aunt JuJu and Uncle Darell. We'd been super busy and hadn't had a chance to get it all out and decorate anything until last week. We finally bit the bullet and went for it.

It was a little advanced for Lauren but she and I worked together to make it work. She helped me roll the fondant out and put it on the tiny little cakes but her favorite part by far was decorating with the icing and sprinkles.

The cake tasted about as good as it looked...which was awesome, right? Ha!

To My Three Year Old...

Dear Lauren,

I seriously cannot believe that you are three years old. I keep asking myself how that even happens. In so many ways it really does seem like just yesterday I was holding you in my arms for the very first time. When I think back on all we have gone through, all the firsts we have seen together, it feels like a dream. Did you really never sleep through the night? Were we really ever dealing with a teething baby? Did you really learn how to crawl, then walk, and better yet say my name? I look at you now, all grown up, all girl, and I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that God chose me to be your mother. Overwhelmed that you love me. Overwhelmed that I get to pour my life into yours.

You are such a funny little girl. You keep your daddy and me on our toes. You love to make us laugh and you do the silliest things to accomplish that. You've started singing us songs as we go about our days. One of my favorites lately is simple titled, Dishes. This song is sung loudly and as you dance around the kitchen while I put the dishes away. Cracks me up!

"My wike hewp do disses, but my no wike hewp do disses!!! My wike hewp do disses, but my no wike hewp do disses!!!"

You have the most tender heart. You hurt for others when they hurt and you look out for everyone around you. If a friend of yours wanted one more chicken nugget, you wouldn't hesitate to give them yours. You stop everything you are doing to get Easton a binkie or talk to him if he is upset. You give out hugs and kisses and make everyone around you feel so loved.

You are very shy around people you don't know. You like to have your own space and aren't a fan of people or kids who get into yours. You've been known to leave a playground set because there are too many kids playing on it. Once you warm up a little bit you usually do just fine, but it can be a painful start for you.

You wan to eat all of the time. If it were up to you you would have a sippy cup and a snack with you every waking moment. I have to give you some credit in that you will usually pick a healthy snack to ask for but ice cream can also be heard as one of your most asked for snacks. You love peppers! The bell variety as well as those little sweet peppers that are red, orange, and yellow. You also love fruit. For lunch you prefer turkey or chicken nuggets to peanut butter.

You are so much fun to be around. You are starting to really get into pretend play. I love to hear you talk to yourself as you play with your kitchen or with your dolls. You are just too precious for words! You are also really starting to get into Disney movies. Your favorite right now is Tangled. You could watch it over and over and over and over. You even sing along to some of the songs in the movie. I think it is adorable! 

I can't imagine our lives without you in it darling child. I feel like the absolute luckiest person in the world to be able to spend my days with you. I wish I could freeze time and keep you this small forever but I know you need to grow up. I pray for you daily, my daughter. I am so excited to see what God has planned for you but I intend to soak up every single moment with you in the process.

Here is a little interview I did with you on your third birthday (your words are in pink):

Do you like to sleep? No. Cause I no like to. 

What is your favorite thing to eat/drink? Water, tea. I like nanas (bananas)
What are your favorite shows? I like Mickey Mouse, Dora and Boots. I like...ummm what's that girl name? Oh yeah, Tangled. 
What are your favorite songs? Um, Dora and Boot. No, I like sing “Happy de de de de dee” “Mary had a wittle wam, wittle wam”
What makes you sad/frustrated? I don’t know.
What makes you happy?
(Smiles) Mommy
What makes you laugh? Easton!
What is love? You (pointing to me)
What do you know about Jesus? Mommy.
What is your favorite Bible story? Esther and the King   
Who do you love to be with? Mommy (sweet smile) Daddy and Easton
Where do you love to go? Ice cream place to get ice cream. The one with white and orange chairs.
Is being three better than being two?
Uh uh. Cause I want to be two. 

I love you to the moon and back fourteen million times, 

Love, Mommy

Bye Bye Binkie

Well, it is official. Lauren has been binkie-free since last Friday. That girl has been attached to her binkies since birth and even though she has only used them for naps and bedtime the past two years it was SO time to let them go. I've kind of given her some grace these past few months. With Easton coming and all the changes we've had I just never felt like I was ready to tackle it.

I don't know what got into me on Friday but I just felt like it was time. As we headed back for me to tuck her in I mentioned that her binkies had germs on them and they were icky. She immediately decided she didn't want to put them in her mouth anymore. I was cheering her on and jumping for joy inside. I just couldn't believe it was going to be this easy! If I had only known...

As I was getting ready to leave her room she started fussing. I went back in and tried to talk her down from her freak out. It seemed to work for a little bit. We prayed together that God would give her bravery. I told her how proud I was of her. And then I left her to try to sleep on her own. About five minutes later she was crying again. After a quick trip to the bathroom she was back to trying to get to sleep. (She never did this with a binkie...she always fell asleep right away.) I felt sick inside. I couldn't give in and give her binkies back to her. But, I felt like I was breaking her heart by taking them away.

My biggest fear this whole time has been that by taking them away it would mess up the sleep schedule that she's been on for so long. She has never been hard to get to go to sleep, always loved her nap time, and does really well with enough sleep. This naptime experience was already shaping up to be my worst nightmare.

She finally fell asleep and slept for twenty-five minutes before waking up screaming again. I felt myself tense up and get super frustrated with her. I went in and tried to talk her back into sleeping but she was having none of it. I felt like crying. What in the world had I done to myself? It was like taking away the binkies and her dropping her nap were going to go hand in hand. Selfishly, I was terrified that would be the case.

That evening was no better. Screaming and bawling and kicking and throwing the worst fit I have ever seen my daughter throw. All because she didn't want to go to bed. She never asked about the binkies but she refused to sleep. Shawn and I were pulling our hair out. Questioning ourselves. And I might have even cried a bit again.

Flash forward to today...it's not really any better. She is still binkie-free but bedtime has become a nightmare. I don't know where my sweet sleeper went, but taking the binkie away has unleashed some kind of monster in her. I feel like I am at my wits end as far as the sleep situation around our house. She hasn't asked about or for her binkies since last Friday, but she has not slept well since then either.

I know that it was the absolute right thing to do. I know that it was time. I just don't know how we are going to make it through the next however many days until things become normal again around here. I don't like feeling like a mean mom for letting her cry. I don't like fighting with her over it. I'm tired enough as it is. I keep praying for God to give me patience with her. For Him to give me the grace I need to give her. I just pray that we survive this little season.

Happy Four Months, Easton!!!

Dear Easton,

Son, you are growing so fast! It seems like every time I blink you have grown another inch or are learning something new. This past month has been a lot of fun since you are really becoming an active part of our family. You love to be involved in whatever we are doing and you charm us all with your darling smiles.

You are so big! You weigh 15 pounds and are growing out of your three month clothing! Three to six month clothes fit you best, but you wear some six month stuff too. I feel like I am packing away clothes and bringing out new sizes before you have even gotten a chance to wear most of it. We are so thankful for some dear friends who have loaned us many of your cute boy clothes.

You wear size two diapers and we go through a lot of them! You are definitely all boy! When you have a poopy - you go all out. You haven't peed on me in a while now so I am either getting faster at changing you or you are a little more in control of yourself!

One major milestone happened this month! You started sleeping exclusively in your crib. No more sweet bassinet for you. I know that it was time since you were practically longer than the bassinet itself! Ha! I didn't want to move you because I loved you being right beside me, but you are so much more comfortable in your big boy crib! I really hoped that by moving you to the crib you would sleep longer. Well, the first few nights you did great, going five to six hours straight. Not so much anymore. You are up at least every three hours still and I'll be completely honest...it is starting to wear on me a little. I have huge dark circles under my eyes from you little man, but I guess they are worth it.

I feel like this past month we've been given a sweet glimpse of your personality. You are definitely a mama's boy and love to be held, but you also really like to have your own space. You will lie on your blanket in the living room and watch everything around you "talking" to us and smiling (especially when we play peek-a-boo with you). You still adore your sister and she can make you laugh really easily.

You are a pretty good eater, although you still will not take a bottle! We've tried so many different kinds and you are not having any of them. Nammy fed you oatmeal cereal for the first time this past week while Daddy, Lauren, and I went to a pool party for Daddy's work. I think we are going to add it to our nighttime routine with you...maybe it will help you stay more full for longer? And sleep longer?

You are super close to rolling over. If you could get your arm out of the way you would be gone. You kick your leg over and have the most fun flopping around. You still like your bouncy seat even though you are really getting too big for it. You also still sit in your swing every now and then. We have been talking about getting your exersaucer thing out soon. It is so hard to believe you are almost ready for that!

We think you might be cutting a tooth (or two teeth) on the bottom. You are mad chewing on everything right now. You've also been a little more cranky than normal. I can see just a little white bump on the bottom but nothing has broken through yet. It seems really early for you to be teething! I've given you tylenol a couple of times when nothing else seemed to soothe you. You do love your teethers. Especially the ones I put in the fridge to get them really cold for you and your Sophie the Giraffe.

You have brought so much fun and joy to our family and we are so blessed that God chose us to be your parents. We think you are just the cutest little boy ever.

We love you so much son and we can't wait to see what big things the next month brings for you and for us. Your laughter and smiles are so precious to us.

I love you to the moon and back fourteen million times!!!

Love,
Mommy